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Rainbow12

Rainbow Alley

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Lovely rainy Saturday… Today, after a year of hibernating (it’s just that my thoughts became such a “couch potato”, dwelling on the mystery of the universe: its ups and downs, black and colorful colors, sadness and happiness, pain and love, I am back.

I am back.

This is something to celebrate on. I again allowed my thoughts to transfer its way to blogging. Now I do understand that writers do suffer from several blocks, which differs depending on each person’s emotions and feelings.

I am happy to note that – yes! I am now free from the chains locking my heart up. So much freedom, so much life has flown back into me. Making my heart pump blood again to my core – my spirit.

Certain instances in our lives may mark us BIG TIME. At times we were chosen to experience one thing, like in a cinema or a book, almost to incomparable bliss, then at the next, we will again shift to the dark side of it: painful and almost worth-dying for. (with exaggeration here, forgive me).

Some characters in our own personal stories may start as protagonists, but in the end of it all, they are antagonists waiting to happen, but without them, we wouldn’t be able to learn a single thing out of life.

It’s been already a month now since I finally broke free from my own self-conflicting pain, big thanks to those wonderful non-blood relatives whom the universe chose for me to have in my life. I came to the realization that with “things being left unsaid and unclear, we might lose our own self, agonizing over what mistakes we stumbled upon before without any clarity at all, and in the process, lowering our self-esteem to the point of losing our self – our spirit”.

A friend of mine (the best of all the best) brightened my heart over that by just simply, being there with me, while I read and go back to those memories one by one, it all boils down to my personal choice, to be happy or not? To dwell on the stupid past or give my self a chance to start new stories with new characters in my life.

Chapter 1 is just Chapter 1, it does not end there, life does not end at Chapter 1 at all, and most of the time, the person whom you thought you knew so well, might end up being someone you don’t know at all in just a flick of a hand – mysterious yes, and, also a fact – yes.

But, that’s really how it goes, people change, we all DO change. This change is unstoppable, it may break you at first, but always remember that it will also make you stronger in the process. I learned several arts here – if there is such a thing as the Art of Living, the Art of Loving and the Art of Learning, we can also freeze everything and call it the Art of Letting Go.

“Detach yourself from the world, so your spirit may be free” – Avatar

Say goodbye to facets of your life which only pulls you down. You may back down for a little while, hope that the storm will just pass, but after several tries and yet the rain won’t stop… let go of that door already. Close it, and vow to never go back inside that door again.

You may open yes – for in every path there is always a door up front, you may open several doors from afar of your past to wish them well, but be sure not to set foot inside again if you desire to live happy and move on.

“Every time you think of me send lights of love, then drop it” – Eat, Pray and Love.

Yes.

In the book of the Little Prince, wherein the Prince protected his rose (which looks just like all the other roses) inside a globe, protecting it from the winds and the animals, he mentioned that his rose is far different from the rest, because it is his rose. Such a lovely story indeed.

Now when I think of those memories, I just smile, for those were experiences, just experiences which made me who I am now. Then all has been washed over, birthing me in the process once again.

I am now loving the fact that I can appreciate the beauty of life within and outside me after a long while. Those situations when you see someone or something from the other side of the room, and you just cannot take your eyes off them, seems like a magnet pulling you two together, and then you clicked.

I am happy because, I can again fully embrace that selective moment.
It can be with whatever or whoever, just the fact that I can once again feel? That for me is a major achievement after all.

I am now flying towards a rainbow, let me correct that, I’m walking hand in hand with the rainbow, while the sun glistened in my face.

Thank you.

Social Butterfly: "I misspelled ME as YOU"

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“I misspelled ME as YOU”
By: Social Butterfly

The years we shared together, serves me right
in the memory lane,
all the laughters and the cheers
brought me infinite joy throughout those years.

You have been in my life
as fast as you had been out of its light,
We met somewhere in the middle
of this station where intellectuals seems to be bright;
It all started in a mingle
and grew stronger everyday,
I used to be “single”
then my life started to have its own jiingle.

Remember the day we just stayed
beside the huge post in front of the bay,
hours passed by with us glued upon,
that spot of then forever, which I thought
would be endless in flowing like a river.

Endless whims,
dreams, goals and promises,
and just plain words of nothingness which gave me
happiness without any trace of biases,
That’s the time when I learned how feel,
that crazy feeling of explaining not,
rainbow-chasing,
pot of gold appearing,
apples are everywhere, turning RED of Eden.

The completeness of US together
be it a simple diary starting from somewhere,
our stories are well-written and told,
between our hearts which only US then, can hold.

how I love to shout at the world
“how much I truly love you”
to be able to share this wondrous feeling whenever I’m with you.
Simple phase of those special places,
leaves my heart open for some gentle spaces.
Loving, hoping and ever so believing,
That ME and You will never be ever breaking.

But we did,
departed from each other
in between of tears, loud words and heartache.
My world almost shattered,
be it not for my back-ups, I would have forgotten
which truly mattered…

I got lost,
unable to proceed
in this life of uncertainties.
I have forgotten how to take a step,
FORWARD.
I got afraid and somehow lost myself,
a mistake on my part…
for I don’t want everything to end like that.

After several months, I got back from my misery-
of pain and longing
and events of begging-
for the rewind of your feelings and our love in the beam.

so now, a thought passed by…

I misspelled ME as You…
and that will never happen with my next boo…

A Beautiful flower named Lorraine…

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I am a solo child, that is why I grew up 100% with my dear cousins, both sides (mom and dad), back then I am the youngest “pinsan” that is why the older ones took care of me really well… I have several nicknames they gave me, and we used to play with each other a lot (correction: I used to make kulit for them to include me in their “grown up” games). I think this is one of the reasons why most of my friends are older than me, I tend to adapt quickly and maturely without holding back who I really am…

The Flower...

So back then, we have a garden, our “Lolo Cesing” loves to tender plants and flowers, we have Orchids, a mango tree, a Coconut tree, an Atis tree, chili, singkamas, Jackfruit, Banana and several other plants in the flora and fauna collection.

Life is the ultimate-greatest gift from our Creator.. We have been allowed to live and soar the fields of the Earth up to the most of our faith in Him and actions as well…

Destiny is a matter of time, the right time that only He knows when, depending on any circumstances, but I am very much sure, that whatever time that will be, that is the right time…

Now, allow me to link the garden I have mentioned earlier… Allow me to walk you through one part of “my own garden” which is so dear to me.. My own garden of love, love for my family. And in one corner of that “family garden” here, let me describe to you what kind of “flowers” I have which will forever bloom in whatever season there is. These flowers are infinite, they cannot be washed away, nor can be replaced, instead, they can be shared with others without pulling its roots…

One flower called “Lorraine”. Such a beautiful and forever “young”, by heart and by soul. Such a special flower indeed from Vienna, Austria. She was 2 years older than me, and such a close age for my “Ate” wannabe. That is why when she stayed here for two years way back ages ago, we spent lots of times together. “Ate Lorraine, now I know that you can read this clear even though you are far, and can now understand what I am saying like you are just here and never left at all…”

Do you remember that every time you and your parents will come here to visit, we are inseparable. As a kid, you taught me to share everything I have, giving without any selfish interest, and whatever it is that you are having, it is an automatic gesture from you to “make kulit” to your parents to buy another too for me. Lovely. And allow me to refresh your memory with these “kiddie” moments we had:

I remember the same Sesame Street Big Bird Projector movie heads we have (it is still working up until now), the fluffy Teddy bears we have (mine is peach and yours is green). The time that I would always knock on your door and you will let me in, and we will just comb each other’s hair in front of your dresser, then I would always admire your straight black hair. You asked me once what are those colorful mini buttons I have in my head, with the mini butterflies and flowers image on it, and I gave you some too and you loved it. The time that I would always arrange your pencil case, and we would eat your “baon” for you really do not have that much appetite like me.. Then I was so excited when I learned that you will also study for two years here in the Philippines, I was in Kindergarten and you are already in Grade 2. And our lovely older cousins like Kuya Andre, Kuya Edgar, Kuya Roger will fetch us from school… and with our backpacks, we will go home giddy and always cheerful.

I remember that at that very young age, I always look up to your “classy” and finesse way of speaking, eating, walking. You are my first Idol as a “sister”. There are lots of time that I am trying to match your “slow” eating skills, for it seems that you are not taking a bite at all, and as we are eating this hamburger, I kept on glancing at your every single bite, trying to match the size of your remaining piece. And I said to myself “what? we are eating in 10 minutes na and I still cannot swallow mine…” hahaha, that is funny.

Our piano moments where I almost broke yours… (sorry)

Then the “mongo beans” episode too. I guess because of this, my appetite for lively eating grew some more. Tita kept on saying “O tignan mo si Joanne, malakas kumain ng munggo, dapat ikaw rin” so as a kid, I wanted to inspire you as well Ate, so I kept on eating and eating “munggo” with rice beside you trying to catch your attention on food, but you didn’t. Haha

When the nationwide earthquake hit metro manila, we are in your room, and we felt that the bed is shaking so hard that it almost turned sideways, so together, hand in hand, with near-tears, we run as fast as we can downstairs to be with the elders. That is scary.

Times that I also love to peek at your notes, trying to study what you are learning 2 years ahead of me, but I couldn’t.

The way you converse is very “girly”, always polite and shy.. and there I was always pulling you out to share the wonders of laughter.

And can I forget your bangs? and your lovely colorful head bands which we also share? I cannot forget that. My hair is naturally curly, and yours is naturally straight with china bangs in front. You are such a beautiful child and a beautiful person inside and out.

However, when some things happened which I already understood back then, I know you have to leave and go back to Austria. I admire your courage in facing your inner troubles on your own. I am sorry that I cannot be there to match your every day trial with life. If I could only go there and share with you all of my “kiddie” emotions to somehow brighten your day, I would, but, I am just a kid back then so again, my apologies.

When you left, my playtime went back to being with our “kuya’s and ate’s”, no Facebook yet or blogging or email at that time. And little by little, we separated ways, years and each grew in our own distinct world.

So whenever Tita visits here, she would always show me your picture, and tell me stories about you… about your everyday struggle in life and your special “flexibility” in happiness. I admire you for that.

So, now, I know that you are already up there… You are already with Him… sad as it may seem, but I am also happy for you. Because you are now in peace and will forever stand beside us all, most especially beside your mom as guiding angel which will hold and hug her tightly.

You are a wonderful person, even though my memory of you is confined in those given 2 years, me: 4-6 years old and you 5-7 years old. Now, it all came back flooding my memory lane, and I cannot stop it. It seemed so real as if I am just watching a series of VHS tapes taken in those times.

You are a special person, inside and out, to me and to everyone of us. One great and beautiful flower which will forever have that special corner in my garden of life and heart. I know you are reading this as I write, so thank you for taking the time to go here..

Guide your mom there, be her ever guiding light. If the time comes and permits me to visit you there in Vienna, I will stop by gladly at your place and will bring some of the memories we have together as kids.

Writing these is too hard, I never knew that it would be. It took me several hours just to complete this post and I am happy that I was able to.

All of our prayers are with you….I love you beautiful flower Ate Lorraine…

Taking Madness to the Extreme…

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After months of anticipation for “Alice in Wonderland”, I was able to watched it in full 3D last weekend, the effects did not quite reach my now-standard “AVATAR 3D technology”, but what the heck, I have always loved this fairy tale ever since I was walking in diapers (goo-goo-coo-coo..purrrr).

So, to divert a little, for me to be able to stress out whatever point it is that I would like to “stress” out (aaaargh… stressfull! I am just kiddin’) I would like to share that I am presently reading another John Maxwell’s masterpiece “Leadership Gold”. And one chapter discussed those “defining moments” of one’s life. He (Maxwell) said, and I quote “Defining Moments are intersections that give us an opportunity to turn, change direction, and seek new destination”. Wham!

Have you ever experienced having a gut-feel about a major decision in your life that you were supposed to make, and at that exact moment, you said “YES!” to that decision and off you go… Or, having witnessed something that stops you in an instant, making you realize all of your life-film rolls in one minute-gap? Those are defining moments. I remember in the 2D children movie “Polar Express” starring Tom Hanks, I caught one line which stayed with me all throughout:

“There is one thing about trains… It does not matter where you are going, what matters is…
Deciding to GET ON the train…”

Again, that is one defining moment for me. Beautiful. It speaks of life. Period.

So back to my wonderland, here are some lines which struck me the most, adding to my “defining moments” in life and of life. I simply cannot forget, let me go back now to memory lane:

Cat: Where are you going? he asked Alice.
Alice: I really don’t have an idea…
Cat: Just take any road, and it will lead you there…

- it is similar with the Polar Express, taking one step.. that particular step towards the road of life can give one the most extraordinary feeling and growth ever.

Caterpillar: “There is nothing ever accomplished in tears” he said to Alice, I have to say goodbye now (slowly turning into a cocoon)
Alice: “wait, no! you’re gonna die!”
Caterpillar: “No, I’m gonna transform…see you then..”

- this is the caterpillar’s “little dying” time. Every one of us needs a “dying time” too, for us to be able to detoxify and examine ourselves. I often “died” a lot of times already too… Most especially last year, I did a lot of introspection and went on this so-called hiatus (by my own means), boy! it did me good! I extracted myself from several complexities which materialized out of time and I guess, maturity. That is why I always love being a kid! Look at the children, they tend to see the world in a different light, they can understand things which does not need any more layers of justification, they are curious, yes. They often seek answers to every tiny bit of colorful “pebbles”. Once answered, their satisfaction shows. It really does show.

However, as we grow older, we tend to seek for answers, then, another reason, and another reason and we cannot seem to stop. We become deluded with almost all possible answers to all of our “why’s”. That is why we have to stop abruptly for a given time. Time to brake and time to have our souls re-furbished.

Leo Buscaglia in his inspirational book “Living Loving Learning” stated “we cannot share what we do not have” so in order for us to grow continuously as a loving Person (and not as robots, thank goodness) we have to become what we really are again (in times of role confusions and self-conflicts) to be able to share again to the world our capacity for living, capacity to feel, capacity to touch lives and capacity to love.

That is being Human after all… and being Mad at the same time.

To be mad is to be human, and to be human is to be mad. Cherishing this gift called LIFE is already in the maximum level of appreciation. Every second is a blessing. Every opportunity, every pains, every endeavor, every laughter, every tears… all are blessings. To feel is to live, and to live is to feel.

To learn from everything that life have to offer is one of the greatest achievement that one can aspire for. I for one, am learning from it one step at a time… still, my aspiration for achieving the ultimate “inner peace” I am seeking lies on every steps I am making towards myself, day by day.

That is madness. One dose of madness. This post is inspired by my most favorite line in Alice:

Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter: “Am I mad?”
Alice: (touching his face) “All The BEST PEOPLE are…”

All the best people are…

All the best people are mad….

I cannot expound more on this for I am allowing you (the reader) to freeze your understanding in your own way, how you define madness might differ from mine (it does most of the time, because we are uniquely-created individuals)

Simply put, I am mad about Living, Loving and Learning. If you already knew me well, I am glad I have you in my mad life, and together, may we all spread this “mad-disease” in all positive ways possible.

How about you? have you taken madness to the extreme? I have and I am still taking it up…farther in the sky.

the song which captured me for the moment…

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I heard this song just this morning.. and I love it… really….Thanks Mariah Carey!!!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEDo8PCjP4I&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
(no copyright infringement intended)

This is the lyrics…

Once upon a time
We swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
Then you sat alone and pried
And I sat at home and cried
How’d our fairytale just end up this way

We went
Round for round
Til we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring
Now making a sound
And if that’s a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can’t wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can’t shake you oh
I can’t wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can’t wait phase you
Break you down so low
There’s no place left to go
I can’t wait to hate you

This was a love phenomenon
No one could explain
And I wish I could press reset
And feel that feeling again
I sit and press rewind
And watch us every night
Wanna pause it
But I can’t make it stay (Just gotta let it play)

We went
Round for round
Til we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring
Now making a sound
And if that’s a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can’t wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can’t shake you oh
I can’t wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can’t wait phase you
Break you down so low
There’s no place left to go
I can’t wait to hate you

No need to call my phone
I changed my number today
And matter fact
I think I’m moving away
Sorry, the frustration’s
Got me feeling that way
And I just keep having
One last thing to say

I just wanna hold you
Touch you, Feel you
Be near you, I miss you
Baby baby baby
I’m tired of tryna fake through
But there’s nothing I can do
Boy I can’t wait to hate you

I can’t wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can’t shake you oh
I can’t wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can’t wait phase you
Break you down so low
There’s no place left to go
I can’t wait to hate you
(I can’t wait to H.A.T.E.U.)

© All lyrics are copyright of their owners.

Finding Agot

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question-mark1a

I really don't know...

Who the heck is Agot?

I also have no idea. It’s just now that I remember, that I have been meaning to write about this “Finding Agot” since last week. However, due to unfortunate events, I was not able to, until I somehow forgot about it.

Then I happen to glance around and found Nemo here in the room. As if a cue, I instantly remembered my pending write-up. Thanks to the clown fish, now…who the heck again, is Agot?

One dawn, I woke up, feeling physically tired, for I have been dreaming about meeting a certain “AGOT”, the scene was in a pool party, mixed of relatives and friends were there, we were having a good time, and all of a sudden, somebody said that he/she wanted to introduce me to a woman named Agot.

Then this somebody (I forgot who he/she was, for in dreams, it is really vague you know?) told me to pick among those strangers whom I assume is Agot, so it’s like a guessing game huh? Then, pictures whirred, I am selecting pictures like in Facebook – when you get to find for people.

Voila! The one I pointed my finger on, was really the Agot that was supposed to be an acquaintance of mine for the dream. Then, I woke up. Never spoken to her, never knew if she was going to propose an idea, market something, be my colleague, one of my best friends… I really do not know.

Her face is clear to me, I have never seen her before, but, I tried looking for her in Facebook though, I got 500 results, so I gave it up and never tried again.

It may be a call?warning? or it may be a picture of future friendships? I am not sure. She can be an enemy lurking in the shadows, but I am sure that time will come, our paths will cross.

One look at her, I would know that it is her…Dreams are really bizarre, I know for a fact that dreams are mixtures of our thoughts, twirled into a unique fashion brought about our minds guided with imagination, twist and drama.

But, seeing someone whom I never met before, that is one of the weirdest dream I ever had.

Finding Agot....

So, here I am..Finding Agot. ;)

Bookworm: The Taste of A Man

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book_taste_of_a_man

“You Must Sit Down and Eat” says Love, and taste my meat, So I Did sit and eat…” – George Herbert

I found that line interesting in the book I had been reading. I have this ultimate favorite bookstore in Baguio, wherein, I found unique books, all genre, which exudes of having its own life as in “breathing”. It is a semi-2nd hand bookstore which sells different authors. And cheaply priced, some you can get for “buy one take one” deal. And I love it.

The Taste of A Man written by Croatian Slavenka Drakulic gave me chills as I got near to the last chapters of the book.

However, due to my fright, I never went on finishing the last part. Because the story indeed involve “cannibalism” in a very crazy way. The love story became an obsession, which then resulted to a mentally-boggling and tummy-revolting one.

Whew.

Until now, I never know what happened. I do not have the guts to finish the end.

Happy Halloween! (again.)

Value Meal: Rain or Shine

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Best Seller – Pasta in Olive oil and spicy boiled Egg cooked in tender minutes, exact taste with pesto and black pepper

Dessert – Chocolate Mousse

Beverage – Strawberry Iced Tea (fresh from Benguet)

What a delight. Sounds foreign?Haha. Five star treatment? Definitely.  Here’s why…what a way to end the day. I only ate two meals today, 26 July 2009. first my brunch, because I woke up around 10:00 am today, braced the heat of the sun rays (so hot). We are supposed to run and do marathon today at the sea side (Roxas Blvd and along CCP), however, another big HOWEVER, I was not able to wake up at the exact right time because of my flu and semi-fever. I kept on sneezing the entire day, got confined here in the room, watching TV shows of all sorts, read a book, played PSP games, daydream but no desire to fix my room. haha. Went down several times for a drink, said hi to everyone and all  then went back up here again, back in my portal. Funny.

Then for dinner, I craved for my ultimate favorite VALUE MEAL, not Mcdo or Happy Meal, but this one:

My Lucky Me! Pancit Canton (not an advertisement, just a blog post ok?) with its loving partner, my companion, boiled egg and a bread. I just got this image from the web, but my choice of bread would have to be Pesto (that’s the perfect combination).

My Favorite Value Meal. Rain or Shine

My Favorite Value Meal. Rain or Shine

This is my ultimate favorite meal, lots of people who learned this was shocked, they never thought that I love eating pancit canton, most especially the Super Spicy Chili flavor. Haha. You know why? Because this is the only food which I can cook. Haha. Really, I am proud to say that. So even up to now, whenever discussions arises in a cafe or chats, I would boast about my ability to cook Pancit Canton with Egg. Hahaha.

One of my waterloo, really, is cooking. Because I grew up fearing the “kalan” or stove. I thought before that oil (in frying pans) would end up all on my face. “Tumatalsik kasi yung oil” (the oil kept on splattering all over the kitchen, just an exaggeration here). And that is when my “kitchen-fear” develops. I never learned to face my fear. I just love to eat.

Another factor would have to be, my mom does not really know how to cook “old Filipino Meals” too up to now. Haha. See, it is in the genes. But I too, am proud to say that she mastered the art of frying, all sorts of egg styles (nakahiga – sunny side up / nakatayo – boiled egg / halo-halo – scrambled egg), boiling water, playing with tuna’s (in cans of course) all its cooking style and that’s it. Hahaha. Whenever I would praise her about her cooking, this is her only exact line “of course, it is cooked with love that is why”. Funny. So funny.

That is why, I grew up eating bread, more bread and bread. My dad loves everything she cooked too. Haha. Good thing though that he is not into Filipino “real dishes” like Paella, Adobo, Caldereta, Tinola and so other cultured-Filipino Style-of cooking.  Lucky for us, if ever his taste buds would want that, I have an aunt who does cooking with magic. Yehey!

So my taste actually ranges from Fastfoods (burgers, fries, pastas, pizzas or as they say – the American Way), to instant-ready-to-eat-microwave-friendly ones, to Mini Stop and 7-Eleven. Haha. Full of chemicals! But, hey, look at me, at us. We all survived and was able to keep the beauty and energy of life.

I for one, believe that the support we can give out to our loved ones or to anybody else, be it in cooking or art, or choice of course really matters. Let us all fly to the moon, with our friends and family members as our feathers and wings for us to fly.

I will definitely eat Pancit Canton again. Definitely.

Would you like me to cook one for you? It’s on me…I will include 2 special boiled eggs on the side and a Pesto bread matched with Red Ice tea as a perfect treat. How about that?

Wink.